BA Hons

Pretty big day today, got the results for my degree!! Eek!! I am usually terrible for putting things off but I somehow managed to have the guts to check last night on the way home from Bruce Springsteen. Maybe I was still on a high from him being sucha legend, once again. (More on that in my next post when I have uploaded my photos:) Back to that minor life topic, my degree. After doing a year of science, I realised I missed English too much and changed, hence the four years a uni. I loved it (some of it anyway; scary lecturers and group work aside) But finally breaking down and realising I desperately needed help, my second year of English became much more difficult. Weekly counselling sessions seriously took their toll. Panic attacks ruled quite a few aspects of my life, socially and academically. And there were many times that dropping out seemed like the best thing to do. I definitely wouldn't be sat here writing this post if it wasn't for Soph, Mel, Annie, Kaye and Mitch. Five amazing people that in their own way have got me here today. And of course my mum, there are just no words for how supportive she has been. Depression is such a difficult thing to deal with because it is so personal, I barely understand why I feel how I feel and so it seems totally unfair to expect anyone else to. But these guys tried, whether it was taking my mind off things, spooning me when I panicked and cried, refusing to let me listen to all the horrible things in my head and shut down. Yeah, regularly the darkness would win and things would get pretty bleak, but they didn't run away, they fought for me and made me realise maybe I did have something to fight for. I will never be able to thank them enough for that. And as for Mitch, he's put up with many snotty crying cuddles, fed me when i was too exhausted by life to feed myself, made me smile when I never thought I would and making me feel stronger in a way he will never know. As for Kaye, that little "long distance legend", her texts full of nothing but positive thoughts and ability to make me talk when I would rather hide under a duvet. She is one of the most beautiful people I could have in my life. So, back to my degree, many people think anything below a 2:1 just isn't worth it and so my 49.3% (that I am hoping to get rounded up to a 2:2) may not be as exciting to anyone else. But for me, it is a victory. I bloody well did it. I needed a lot of help and it has been pretty grim at times but I did it. 

I know it may be years before I can beat this horrible little imbalance in my head, but I'm lucky enough to not be going through it on my own. And doing this makes me realise, maybe I'm not totally worthless. 

So thank you, to anyone who has helped me get this little grade on a computer screen:) 

Becca.