Lucky.

Someone recently said to me that my days always seem to be filled with really simple but fun things and I realized how true that is and how much I love that that is the case! Sometimes being down South for the summer can make me feel a bit homesick for what I'm missing (namely snapchats of my gang together and mum putting me on the phone with Robbie so I can hear him gurgling at thw dog) However, as soon as I think that, I realise how wonderful a time I get to have down here with some of my all time favourite people. Monday was definitely a prime example of that: a wander in the sunshine with my beautiful Becky ending with some of the lushest strawberries ever, and of course Cornish clotted cream on a picnic bench with a sea view. That evening, me and my amazing Roomie went for a wander/skate down to the beach nearby to soak up the sunset and feel grateful for where we live. We had no idea just how grateful we would feel until we got to Boat Cove and saw a pod of dolphins playing around really close to the shore! It was so so so beautiful amd awesome and definitely a highlight of the summer for me.

I feel like my summer so far has been really full of the little things that give you hope and love for life and I can't put into words how grateful I am for that and for the people I get to spend it with. 

What have you guys been up to with your summer so far? Tell me a story... :) 

Becca. 

Vicious Circles

One of the most frustrating characteristics of depression is that once something has affected you or scared you, it becomes more difficult to do said thing and then when you avoid it, you get totally down on yourself and hate yourself and therefore become rubbish at doing anything which then sparks of the frustration again and so on. Something that has always been a struggle for me is making an appointment and actually going to the doctors. Having had a few horrible experiences with doctors in the past, and being genuinely petrified of having to talk about things makes my minimum of a monthly appointment a really unpleasant experience. I always say that this blog is by no means a way for me to rant about things that upset me and I still stand by that however, something this week has reeeeally got to me and it is something I feel pretty strongly about. At uni, apart from the one doctor who made a point of telling me I had no reason to be depressed, I recieved some really wonderful care and support. Since moving home and returning to my old practice, I have had a number of negative experiences that culminated in a really awful day this week. Between working and panicking about going to see a different doctor to get my prescription, I missed my only chance to sort it out and therefore, ran out of my tablets. I am aware that as an adult this is all on me and believe me, I have beaten myself up about it a lot. However, I am still lucky enough to have people that support me and try to help me through things like this; I was told by a couple of people and one doctor that as I am not away for very long, and it was an emergency, my doctors should fax or post my prescription to a pharmacy here so I could get my tablets. When I rang my surgery requesting this, an extremely rude and mean receptionist simply said "no, we won't do that", this resulted in me sobbing and begging her to try and do it as I was starting to have withdrawl symptoms and was really struggling to which she replied "no, we won't do that". Once I had finished crying and panicking and actually started to think about this, it has infuriated me, that woman was not a professional, she had no right to brush me off without offering any alternatives or advice, mental health isn't exactly something you can take lightly and deal with tomorrow, it is an all consuming, life affecting illness. As someone with a history of suicidal tendancies, I would like to think that there is more help that could have been offered to me to avoid a weekend further off medication and on my own. What if something really bad had happened this weekend and it could have been avoided by a bit more support from the professionals who are your first port of call as a vunarable being? Surely she could have done more to help before hanging up on me and leaving me sobbing like a lunatic in town. 

Thankfully, with the support of my nearest and dearest, I have made it this far and am off to see my friends doctor tomorrow and hopefully sort it out. I just can't quite believe how badly this situation was handled. 

Becca.

Attempt.

Someone once asked me to try and explain what it felt like to be depressed, to be stuck in that black hole I find myself in more than I'd like. And although there is never even a small chance I could put it into a million words; I tried to answer. 

Have you ever had your heart broken? I mean, well and truly torn to pieces; to the point where you feel nauseous, starved for air, like your world is crumbling around you taking everything including you with it? You can feel yourself slipping away along with that person who made you believe you were far more than you ever thought possible and all you see and feel is crushing, soul destroying darkness. Well, that's how it feels today. Like I'm watching myself slip away into blackness. The only difference being that this isn't caused by someone leaving or some huge event in my life; I simply feel like my heart is breaking and it is all my fault. This leads to the all consuming rage that I wish I could take out on someone else and yet there is no one, it is all my fault. 

That is the form the black dog has taken today. It is by no means his only form, he is crafty and he has many. It is just that for today I am being lead to believe that my very being is disappearing and all that remains is pain and anger and sadness. 

Common sense tells me that this isn't how I should feel but common sense never wins these arguments, he becomes a whisper amongst the white noise of depression. 

I wonder what form it will take tomorrow? 

Becca.

Desire

Ever find yourself wanting, longing, needing something you know you can't or shouldn't have. 

Like when you tell yourself you're going to eat healthily and all you want is chocolate. 

I have always been a firm believer that you can't expect people to love you if you don't love yourself: it is selfish to expect others to think positively about you, to support you, to love you and be happy about your being if you don't feel those things about yourself because that isn't fair and it is ultimately pointless because those good feelings are going to waste, being sucked into that black hole of disbelief. 

Today I'm feeling lonely, like I need someone else to verify my being, tell me there is a point to my existence and that I am at least a tiny bit worthy of that existence. That makes me both sad and angry. Sad because at the end of the day I'm a hopeless romantic, my love of films and literature has lead me to have some pretty romanticised views of the world; not just of love and partnerships but of life in general, I like to hope there are happy endings for everyone who deserves and desires them. That when you're feeling lost and hopeless, someone will show up, no que needed; show you that love that you are incapable of showing yourself. It can be quite crushing to realise that life isn't that kind, that poetic and at the end of the day all you have is yourself. Common sense tells me that I am just being emotional (and romantic) and that the black dog attacks when you're at your most vunarable like now. But I can't help but still yearning for just a little bit of hope from someone else because I'm a bit too lost to find it myself. I guess I am more selfish than I care to admit, I desire something I know I don't deserve. But don't we all? 

Becca. 

Because you're worth it?

Recently I can't stop thinking about how you determine your self worth as an individual. 

I've been feeling so overwhelmed and rubbish and just generally bad about myself and that has lead to me feeling really worthless as a human. 

I can't stop thinking about all the wonderful people surrounding me and the lengths to which they go to support me and make me happy. I am so so grateful for this but I truly don't feel I deserve it. 

I know that most, if not all of these feeling are coming from my evil pal depression, but I can't help feeling that I really am a pretty lame excuse for a human, all in all; a failure. 

I know this is all my problem as well, no one else can change the way you view yourself and I guess that is what makes this such a difficult problem. There are so many things in my head telling me I'm worthless and undeserving of all you amazing folk that it really is a challenge to take them on and refocus their energy. 

I guess I just needed to vent a bit and wonder if anyone has any little thoughts that help them feel a little less rubbish and a little more worthy. I think I am in need of some positive vibes as I am running low on them myself. 

And that stupid Loreal (I think it's Loreal) slogan just keeps buzzing around my brain. Followed by every reason I am not worth it. 

Becca. 

.

Feeling a bit down today:

Lost

Overwhelmed 

Useless

Hopeless

That's me. 

I Am Pilgrim

For a couple of months i have been feeling really uninspired when it comes to reading; nothing was drawing me in and making me drop everything until I had turned the final page. This is quite rare for me as I am so often ensconsed in a literary escape and when i find myself uninspired, i really don't like it. Enter Terry Hayes and his thriller I Am Pilgrim. I am currently telling everyone I know that they need to give this a go. From the very first page I was totally hooked. Although, some of the ideas within aren't totally original, Hayes moulds them into new stories and scenarios that genuinely had me gasping with suprise as I was so involved and yet didn't see things coming. Told from the perspective of an old secret agent and linking together small and large events in a novel so gripping, you will want to read it in one sitting.

The cover quotes the Guardian's review, "the only thriller you need to read this year" and it is safe to say, i strongly agree. 

Have any of you read this? Or are there any books you can recommend to keep me inspired? 

Becca.