Desire

Ever find yourself wanting, longing, needing something you know you can't or shouldn't have. 

Like when you tell yourself you're going to eat healthily and all you want is chocolate. 

I have always been a firm believer that you can't expect people to love you if you don't love yourself: it is selfish to expect others to think positively about you, to support you, to love you and be happy about your being if you don't feel those things about yourself because that isn't fair and it is ultimately pointless because those good feelings are going to waste, being sucked into that black hole of disbelief. 

Today I'm feeling lonely, like I need someone else to verify my being, tell me there is a point to my existence and that I am at least a tiny bit worthy of that existence. That makes me both sad and angry. Sad because at the end of the day I'm a hopeless romantic, my love of films and literature has lead me to have some pretty romanticised views of the world; not just of love and partnerships but of life in general, I like to hope there are happy endings for everyone who deserves and desires them. That when you're feeling lost and hopeless, someone will show up, no que needed; show you that love that you are incapable of showing yourself. It can be quite crushing to realise that life isn't that kind, that poetic and at the end of the day all you have is yourself. Common sense tells me that I am just being emotional (and romantic) and that the black dog attacks when you're at your most vunarable like now. But I can't help but still yearning for just a little bit of hope from someone else because I'm a bit too lost to find it myself. I guess I am more selfish than I care to admit, I desire something I know I don't deserve. But don't we all? 

Becca.