Heads Or Tails And Heart Attacks And Broken Dreams Tonight

Had my penultimate counselling session this week. Bit scary knowing that soon I will be back on my own again but Nicola has told me that I can always go back for more therapy or help whenever I feel I need which is super reassuring. As we are coming to the end of our sessions, Nicola wanted to tackle my extreme lack of self worth which seems to be at the root of a lot of my issues; I don't like myself so I always assume I am going to fail and bad things will happen which is quite a large cause of my anxiety. It also makes my depression harder to fight because when I am feeling down or lonely or numb or anything like that, I tell myself I deserve it, I am worthless and it is my fault etc etc. This isn't the easiest thing to write about because it is really really deeply rooted in my psyche and it is something extremely personal but I promised I would always be honest here. I also realise that it is something people won't really understand or anything but I'm gonna try to make some sense. I don't really know why I have such a strong self loathing but I am learning to try not to focus on the why as that just leads to more frustrating self hate. I just don't like myself and it is mainly linked to the chemical imbalances that cause depression and a few events that I just haven't dealt with well. Counselling allows me to talk those things through and let them out, and cognitive behavioural therapy has allowed me to try and understand them, deal with them, tackle them and move on. And so this week, I have some tasks to try and tackle my self hate. This may sound really stupid to some of you, or even kind of egotistical, believe me, I am skeptical but willing to try. I am supposed to be writing down things about myself or things I have done that challenge my belief that I am down right rubbish. As I have previously said, Topshop is really boosting my confidence; I still get anxious, have mild panic attacks, the occasional cry and constant fear of doing something wrong. However, I am still there, I haven't been sacked yet, I am actually doing alright!! That is something I am focusing on as often as I can. And it is definitely something I am going to write down. Other than that, I am struggling a little bit, but I have a week. Nicola is hoping that the act of writing these things down will allow me to remember them when my brain is telling me I should just give up. I don't expect this to be a quick fix and I don't expect that I will suddenly be all confident and happy. I know I will continue to have downers and all that goes with them, but hopefully I can start to avoid taking it out on myself, blaming and punishing my already weak and broken mind. Time will tell.. 

Again, I am really sorry if this is rambley, it isn't easy to write about and I hope you can understand that. 

Becca.