Circle Of Life

I'm gonna say now that I can see this being quiiiite a long post, so you have been warned...

Another year is nearly over. How has that happened?! I'm going to do a bit more of a looking back type post in a few days so that's enough of the new year stuff for now.
Firstly, a counselling update: Obviously I haven't seen Nicola for a couple of weeks with it being Christmas, but I am constantly trying to keep up with my thought processes and techniques and everything that she manages to cram in to our little sessions. For a while now, she has had me trying to do what she calls "worry time". It sounds a bit lame I know, but the concept of it is fantastic. I am supposed to take 10 or 15 minutes each day to look back over what has worried me or panicked me; it can be anything from crying over my indecisiveness, fretting about messing up at work, letting someone down in some bizarre way my brain thinks of, to the more serious things of sinking back into a dark hole of depression where the real demons lurk. I have to consider all these things and write them down so that she can look through them and try to find patterns that may reveal the underlying cause of my sometimes crippling anxiety. I have found it more difficult than I originally thought and I can't fully say why. Sometimes I think I am embarrassed of my silly anxieties and sometimes I don't really want to face up to them and writing them down means I am putting it out there; revealing a little bit more of my screwed up self to another human being; scary stuff for something with such a cutesy little name... Another thing that Nicola has started me working on is mindfullness. Again, it sounds a bit simple and hippified; be more mindful blah blah blah. But then she gave me sheets and explained it more and it really struck a chord with me. The concept of mindfullness is being in the here and now; fully appreciating the moment that is the present. It can be the smallest of things like watching the swirly patterns milk makes when you pour it into your daily cuppa or something much larger like appreciating the love in a room filled with family, it doesn't matter what it is, just that you are in the moment with it. I never really realised how little time I spend in the present and why that is. Nicola explained it with the use of a simple diagram and wise words. Anxiety lives in the future; you are constantly fretting about things that have not yet happened, predicting negative outcomes and catastrophesising (if that's the word). Then anxiety's evil friend, depression, he resides in the past, dwelling on negative things and dark feelings, sucking you back into a void it can seem impossible to escape. When suffering from these devils like I do, you spend so much of your time wrapped in the past or the future that you more often than not, forget the here and now. You are on autopilot, completely oblivious to your life at that moment and  all to aware of what has happened or what may happen and that is just no good. Now, being aware of these things is only the first tiny step, it is so easy for me to sit writing this all down now but give it half an hour and without realising it I will be back in all my negative thoughts somewhere in the past or the future and before I know it, the day is gone and I won't get it back. So these are the main things I am to focus on at the moment, locating my worries and taking at least a minute out of my day to be in the moment. Baby steps Becca, baby steps. I have to remind myself that there is no quick fix for mental illness, it is a long, slow battle with myself and all I can hope for is that I can shuffle slowly forward without falling much further back.

 Enough of me for now, it has after all been Christmas; a time for love and those you give it to. A few of you will know that we sadly lost my granny on the 23rd. She was a staggering 90 years old and easily one of the best characters I have ever encountered. She was strong willed to put it mildly and I think that is what made her who she was, she knew exactly what she wanted or believed and she certainly wasn't afraid to say it. But by no means was she horrible or anything like that, she would regularly show her soft side, showing gratitude and respect and little things like that. It is actually really difficult to describe her now I am actually sat here, she was such a character, such an individual that unless you met her, you're probably not going to be able to imagine her. Although she was tiring of life after 90 years and she was still independent in most ways and knew exactly what she wanted until the bitter end. It is knowing that she was ready to go that is the main thing keeping us all strong, she didn't want to become decrepit or a shell of who she used to be and we certainly wouldn't have liked seeing her that way and so after a heart attack on Friday that put her in hospital, she was ready to say goodbye. Although that softens the blow of her passing in some way, it does not make it any less painful. The main thing that hurts me is thinking about my mum: I love her so much, I cannot imagine my life without her at all, she is that constant, that person who I know I always have at the end of the day, she is my mum. And that is what granny was to her. Their relationship may not have been exactly like mine and mums but at the end of the day, your mum is your mum isn't she and I just can't bear to think of how horrid it must be to say goodbye to that person after so long. And so I am upset at losing the only grandparent I've ever known, someone who has done an awful lot for me over the years, I am also upset for mum and how she must be grieving. For every moment I have where I think of Granny and what she would say to a certain event, mum is probably having ten times that and I am just glad I can be here to help if need be. I felt I had to name this post the circle of life because that is what is really happening in our family right now, Granny's life is over but then we have Kate's beautiful little Maia and baby Stansfield who still isn't quite ready to greet us just yet. It is a comforting thought really isn't it. It definitely got us through Christmas, it's impossible not to become wrapped up in Maia's joy, her little giggle and her uncertain little steps, it's just lovely.
And so I shall leave you with the picture we found of Granny and Grandad back in the day. I hope you have all had a lovely festive time surrounded by those you love.


Becca.