This Train..

This week has been a bit of a funny one really. It was off to a pretty positive start on Monday, Adecco asked me to go back to work at MMU and it was Soph's birthday and I felt alright. Carved my pumpkins, did some baking, felt all homey. And then, like flicking a switch, it started to go down hill. I don't even know what triggered such a sudden mood change but by the time I was off to bed on Monday, I felt really, really crap.
I woke up on Tuesday and got ready for work, all the while holding back tears and trying to breathe and not break down. I managed to get to Manchester but then the shit hit the fan and I was a mess. Basically I sat sobbing on a street corner in the rain trying not to throw up from panic. (I do not want to think about what I must have looked like to normal people) In the end I caved and told work I couldn't make it and headed home and spent the day with the curtains closed and Max on my lap. Wednesday was much of the same, although this time I didn't even make it into town, I threw up, cried and just hated myself for the majority of the morning. I haven't felt so low in quite a while. I just completely detest myself when I get like this. There is absolutely no reason for it. And yet just looking at the front door was enough to break me. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I succeed at just getting through the week? I feel like I am drowning a lot at the moment; like I am really failing while everyone else is doing awesome things with their lives. Then there is me, talknig to my pets and myself and being rejected from every job I apply for. I hate how moany this is sounding. It's not that I am ungrateful, in fact, sometimes being this down makes me appreciate the smallest of things. It is just so easy to become swamped with negativity when nothing seems to be going right. Self-hatred aside, I went to the doctors last week, although I had a different person because it was last minute, he wasn't that bad. He didn't intimidate me or judge me or anything, although, it worries even me that when asked how the new tablets are, my genuine response is "well, I feel suicidal slightly less often so that has to be a good thing." It's true though, as much as I am still battling low moods, I don't find myself wishing myself into oblivion or not wanting to wake up quite as often. So yeah, I know that is morbid and probably depressing to read but it's true, and I am going to take it as a positive.
This is getting a bit rambley now, I am very sorry. I'm gonna go take the dog out and feel Autumny. Maybe get some hot chocolate and marshmallows.
Happy Halloween!!!

Becca.