Dead Silence

I feel so bad that I have neglected my blog for this long! I can only apologise! It has been a funny old time. Agency work has robbed me of any sort of routine seeing as I never know where or what I'll be doing next. And I have had some fun times but also some really difficult times recently. I feel like I've been stuck in a vacuum for a week or so, mainly I have just been feeling numb, not sad or happy or angry, just nothing. It is a horrible feeling. Sometimes I would rather cry until I can't breathe than feel nothing because at least then there is something happening in my mind. Bouts of this nothingness often lead to downers like the other night, for no real reason, I just hit rock bottom: I cried, I sat and stared, and then I started contemplating what would happen if I took all of my tablets? Would I finally feel better? Would I be able to escape? These are difficult thoughts for me to write down because I think the way my mind works makes them seem much more insignificant to me than they will to you guys reading it. Suicidal thoughts are horrible, but when I feel like that, it doesn't seem that bad to me, I don't think of it as dying, I think of it as finally being at peace, being able to have a break from this battle. And after a while, I see how wrong these thoughts are, and that starts off a whole new stream of self hatred and confusion but I suppose that's a good thing because it keeps me fighting. I hope this isn't coming across as too jumbled or nonsensical, it really isn't easy to type out some of my darkest moments, they are muddled enough in my brain, let alone to you 'normal' folks out there. Thankfully, I got through the night on Monday, and I have started having some feelings again. I feel like I've got my words back. Maybe because I have read about 5 books this week, I feel a bit more inspired which I like.

How are you guys? I wanna hear nice things:)

Becca.