I've been taking antidepressants to try and help me keep as in track as possible whilst having counselling and seeking help for my depression and anxiety for 18 months now. I hate to have to be dependent on something like this but I accepted last January when I like to hope I hit rock bottom that I needed all the help I could get and so here I am. They have gradually upped my dose of the original tablet until recently accepting that it just wasn't working for me. I have still suffered horribly with panic attacks and seriously low moods. It is almost impossible to talk about for two main reasons; firstly, even though I know I shouldn't, I still feel really ashamed that this is who I am. I feel like it is a weakness and I am so ashamed to admit it even though it is just who I am. There is such a stigma attached to mental illness and people will always judge. Secondly, I struggle to understand why I am this way and why I feel this way so why should anyone else?! People think it is so easy to "snap out of it" or pull yourself together, but until you have experienced it, you can't understand how it feels to have so little control over your own thoughts and feelings. I have had days where I have broken down at the front door, completely unable to leave the house for no real reason. In some of the most inconvenient times, anxiety has gripped my heart like an iron fist and I have missed out on fun things and ruined a lot of my own memories by having to escape. I have woken up wishing I hadn't woken up. And I have mood swings that are unbelievable, going literally from laughing to crying in minutes. It is so easy to just say it's a chemical imbalance and it will get better but it is so hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel when "the black dog" as Winston Churchill and my wonderful friend Susie describes it, comes snapping at your heels. Bearing all this in mind, I have had counselling, regular doctors appointments and the tablets to try and help me fight. It has never been easy and I owe an awful lot to the fabulous people in my life but at the end of of the day, it all comes down to me. Terrifying, I know. So because not a lot has changed for me, my doctor had recently tried changing my tablets to a new drug. This is not fun as antidepressants are potent little bastards so I have had to be weaned off the original drug, meaning smaller doses, less chemicals and way less control over my emotions. I am now at the end of my first week of the new drug and it is still pretty scary. Old traits and new fears popping up all over the place. It's horrible but I have accepted that it's something I have to go through in attempt to get through all this. I am also looking in to starting a new form of counselling/therapy which is yet another terrifying ordeal. Talking to someone about your darkest thoughts and most emotional secrets is frightening and exhausting on a level you cannot comprehend until you have had to do it, and I really hope you don't. So I'm sure you will hear about my cognitive therapy when it begins. I want to apologise for the melancholy tone of posts like this, but I'm hoping that writing them down like this may help me in my own little way. So if you've got this far, thank you for reading.
Becca.
You should also go and read the beautiful Susie's blog for a much deeper insight into the world of depression. Her blog is so inspirational and honest, I am truly grateful to have had someone like her in my life, especially in the last year as she has a way of articulating depression in a way that astounds me. Her blog is truly one of a kind.
Www.letstalkaboutdepression.blogspot.com
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