I just want.. I hate...

"I just want to be normal"
"I hate myself"

These are thoughts that seem to be popping up regularly at the moment.
Saturday was a real shitter (pardon my language) for depression. I now have a new understanding of the saying "woke up on the wrong side of the bed". From the moment I woke up, I just felt rubbish. Nobody should have cried that much before lunchtime. And for no particular reason, I was just feeling completely hopeless and I hated it. And then all the usual thoughts come out to play and it's just one big negativity party in my brain. This sucked because I had been really looking forward to Lucy's leaving night out so I tried my best to perk myself up. This included going to see the beautiful Maia which usually never fails, but as soon as we left her sunny little self, I was back in the darkness. I am slightly ashamed to admit that I gave up at this point and took a slightly cowardly way out, I went to bed to hide under the duvet and try to sleep. I think I was hoping I could trick myself into thinking it was a new day and wake up on the right side? It didn't work. But I tried to make myself look and feel pretty and set off to meet the gang at Lucy's. Sometimes a room full of people I love is perfect, it draws my mind away from all the negative stuff and I am just a little bit happy and full of love for a while. I try and avoid alcohol apart from the occasional glass as it is just too good a friend with depression, they are evil cohorts. And so armed with my 4% Toffee Apple Brothers, I thought I might be able to win this battle. It was not too be and before everyone else set off for the night, I had been picked up by mumma and sobbed my way all the way home to my bed. Pathetic really. But I just couldn't face myself at the moment, let alone a loud busy night out, even with the support of my friends. Who, I feel I should add, are fantastic at looking after me in times like this, they know I don't like a fuss but that I do sometimes need a bit of support and encouragement and I really love them for that. I am glad that I managed to see everyone before crumbling but it does make me so frustrated when I miss out on things like that. I forget that really, depression and anxiety is an "illness", you just can't see it so it is much more difficult to understand and everything like that. Incidents like this don't just go away when you wake up either, as much as I wish they would, they completely drain you of all energy and leave you with nothing but negative and scary thoughts. They also have the power to affect life for a while afterwards, I am anxious in any social situation, but having a bit of a breakdown and avoiding things make it worse, and my good friend "what if" comes out again, what if I can't do this or that? what if this is my life forever? what if, what if, what if.... It's my birthday night out in 3 weeks and I am now slightly panicky but trying not to overthink as things will hopefully be different then. I'm off to the doctors tomorrow to see about new tablets so fingers crossed!!!
Sorry, bit of a ramble today. Thanks if you read this far!:)

Becca.